Dwarf Throwing

One of the most outlandish past-times is the uncommonly skilled and unprejudiced pub sport of Dwarf Throwing. Unfortunately for the sport, many of the 'politically correct' people in society are making claims that the name 'Dwarf' is degrading for its sportsmen and that the term 'Dwarf Throwing' should instead be replaced by the more suitable title of 'propelling persons of restricted growth'. The people who actually compete in the sport do not support this political uproar; they simply want to be thrown.

Who Can Play?
Unlike dominoes, this pub sport can be played by anyone, as the need for heavy consumption of alcoholic beverages as preparation purposes is completely optional, but strongly recommended. Both men and women can play and even compete against each other head-to-head. Unfortunately for the men, the women who generally participate tend to have male like qualities. This has meant the customary swapping of shirts at the end of each competition has been scrapped, due to the women's constant complaints that the shirts given to them were always too small and that they wouldn't want to wear the shirt of a 'chauvinist pig who got his kicks throwing persons of restricted growth anyway'.

Large muscles, strong legs and the arbitrary beer belly are the physical secret weapons of a true dwarf-throwing athlete. However, to fully master the sport the athlete must also possess the strength of an ox, the speed of a leopard, the timing of a magician, the patience of a predator and the appearance of a rather large bull sitting on a wasp. In order for 'persons pacified with their horizontally-perpendicular circumstances' to take part in a throwing competition they must always wear full protective clothing. Injury is a serious threat to the career of a Throwing Dwarf who, if on tour, can earn a six-figure sum for allowing people to share in their very specialised field of expertise.

Unlike golf, this is a true spectator's sport worthy of any Olympic games but thanks of the interventions of 'persons who negotiate a humour deficiency' no professional body has been created to globally organise and fund what can only be described as the only sport that promotes an unprejudiced view of society (even though a British Association of Dwarf Throwers does currently exist).

The Aim of the Game
Simple, the person who throws the dwarf furthest wins.

Rules
At the time of writing, no official rules have been created for this wonderful sport.

Specialised Equipment Needed in order to Successfully Throw a Dwarf
One mattress (soft and clean)
One Dwarf (willing)
Harness with a handle (as a throwing aid)
Safety equipment

New sport for Olympics?
Now, don't go saying that midget tossing is mean and cruel, because everyone involved is voluntarily performing (and getting paid surprisingly well). And don't go suppressing your innate tendencies to laugh your ass off at this either. If you think it's funny, laugh out loud. Today's Trippy Tryptic is all about the wonderful world of Midget Tossing. To be PC, we could call this Vertically-challenged Human Tossing or Little People Projectiles. For those who have seen the new Austin Powers, we suggest Mini-Me Missiles. These are all fine and dandy, but we're not PC, and we like the good old fashion Midget Tossing label. To enlighten your day a little more, we have put together some cool facts about this creative Dada art form. Please get permission before picking up any "Little People" and heaving them across the room. (By the way, if you don't know any dwarfs or midgets, little brothers work just as well!)

1) The longest midget toss is said to have been made by an English truck driver named Jimmy Leonard. He tossed Lenny the Giant (4'4'' , 98 lbs.) 11 feet, 5 inches. There is said to be an Australian record of 30 feet, but we could not find this documented anywhere.

2) Dwarfs who go on tours for the sole purpose of dwarf-tossing came make six-figure incomes.

3) Midget/dwarf-tossing has been outlawed in many states and in several other countries. As an example of this ban, here is an excerpt from a law that was passed in 1989 in the great state of Forida:

"...Division to restrict licensees from permitting certain activities. -- The division shall promulgate rules, to become effective no later than October 1, 1989, to prohibit every person maintaining, owning, or operating a commercial establishment located within this state at which alcoholic beverages are offered for sale on the premises from undertaking or permitting any contest or promotion or other form of recreational activity involving exploitation endangering the health, safety, and welfare of any person with dwarfism. For the purposes of this section, the term "dwarfism" means a disproportionate or proportional short stature most often caused by a genetic syndrome. The division may suspend or revoke the license of, and may impose a civil penalty not to exceed $1,000 against, any person in violation of any rule promulgated to the provisions of this section…"

Dave Flood is angry, because he says his rights are being violated: "I'm a dwarf and I want to be tossed," he said.

Tossed? Well, yes, it's actually done around the world, often in bars. Men compete to see who can throw dwarves the farthest. The whole thing repulses me, and maybe you, too. But do we get to decide for Flood? He said he can make money being tossed. He's already a showman in Tampa, Fla., earning cash doing other seedy things like working as a referee in a strip bar, as women pretend to wrestle. And he's a regular on a radio show that is fighting a Florida law banning dwarf-tossing. Several years ago, Robert and Angela Van Ettan, members of a group called Little People of America, convinced Florida's legislators that dwarf-tossing should be illegal. The vote wasn't close. Dwarf-tossing is not a sport, they argued, and the dwarf is objectified.

"Think of football," said Angela Van Ettan. "The dwarf actually is the ball. He's the object of the competitions … Being objectified is dehumanized." And, they argued, it's dangerous.

"You're dealing with individuals who are tanked up on some alcohol," said Robert, "and when you're in this kind of activity you have a higher risk of paralysis or possibly even death."

But, asks Flood, why do the Little People of America and the politicians get to decide for him? Don't we own our own bodies? Don't adults have the right to use their bodies as we see fit?

"I'm a grown man. I'm 37 years old, I could protect myself," he said. "I don't need them to tell me what I should and shouldn't be able to do."

Flood just wants to use his body to make money. "I'm capitalizing on what I have. If I was 7 feet tall, I'd get paid to put a basketball through a hoop. I'm not 7 feet tall. I'm 3-feet-2 and a dwarf, so I'm capitalizing on getting tossed." Lots of people make money with their bodies: Boxers, football players, fashion models. Plenty of actresses have enhanced their careers by having their breasts enlarged, and other surgeries. Is that less risky than being tossed? "That is a little different," said Angela Van Ettan. She said dwarf-tossing could put all dwarves at risk.

Little people will be grabbed out of bars and thrown around? I asked.

"That has happened," said Angela. "But primarily, probably, it's more a threat and a fear which impacts on the way people live … it is the discrimination that results." This fear justifies a ban? Why should the Little People of America decide for all dwarves? If activists get to decide for everyone, then the busybodies, in the name of perfect safety, will eventually take all our freedom.

Rules for Dwarf Throwing

If a dwarf is thrown through a glass window or glass door, he must wear gloves and a suitable mask.

If a dwarf is thrown through a burning hoop, extinguishers must be provided.

If a dwarf is thrown down a well, the organizers must ensure that the bottom of the well is dry, and is covered by leaves to a depth of three inches..

If a dwarf is to be thrown across the path of an oncoming train, the thrower must previously satisfy the organizers that he bears no personal malice against the throwee.

If a dwarf is thrown into a pond or river, he must wear a wetsuit and need not be tightly bound.

If dwarfs are thrown at night, they may be painted with phosphorescent paint, so that the point of impact may be clearly seen.

If a dwarf refuses to be bound in the usual way before throwing, he may be put in a straitjacket of the requisite size.

If a dwarf utters any sound whatsoever, either in flight or at the moment of impact, the throw will be disqualified.

If a jockey impersonates a dwarf and wins a competition because his light weight allows him to be thrown farthest, he will be liable to a fine of Ł1000 or three years imprisonment.

It is strictly forbidden in dwarf-throwing literature and publicity, to refer to dwarfs as 'persons of restricted growth' or 'small people'.




Dwarf Throwing