You
know them, you love them...but you don't know ALL of
them. Here are some ways of talking about masturbation
without actually saying masturbation.
Arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel
Attack the one-eyed purple-headed warrior
Audition your hand puppet
Backstroke roulette
Bash the candle
Beat the bishop
Beat the dummy
Beat the meat
Beat the pud
Beat the stick
Bleed the weed
Blow your own horn
Bludgeon the beefsteak
Buff the banana
Bugger your hand
Building upper-body strength
Burp the baby
Burp the worm
Butter the corn
Caning the vandal
Charm the snake
Cheese off
Choke Kojak
Choke the chicken
Clamp the pipe
Clean your rifle
Clear the snorkel
Crank the love pump
Crank the shank
Crimp the wire
Crown the king
Cuff the carrot
Daisy-chaining
Dancing with the one-eyed sailor
Defrosting the fridge
Drain the monster
Fiddle the flesh flute
Firing the pound gun
Fist your mister
Five knuckle shuffle
Flick your Bic
Fling your phallus
Flip the bishop
Flipping your omelet
Flog the bishop
Flog the dolphin
Flog the dong
Flog the log
Flog the mule
Flogging the egg man
Fondle your flagpole
Gallop the old lizard
Get your pole varnished
Give it a tug
Goose the gherkin
Grease the pipe
Have one off the wrist
Hold the sausage hostage
Hone the cone
Honk your horn
Hug the hog
Hump your hose
Jerk the gherkin
Liquidating the inventory
Love the Muppet
Lubricating the love monkey
Making the bread rise
Mangle the midget
Manipulate the mango
Milk the lizard
Milk the moose
Nerk your throbber
Oil the glove
One gun salute
Pack your palm
Paddle the pickle
Peel the banana
Pet the lizard
Polish Percy in your palm
Polish the family jewels
Polish the helmet
Polish the rocket
Pound off
Prepare the carrot
Prime the pump
Pull the Pope
Pull the pud
Pump the python
Pump the stump
Ram the ham
Roll your own
Rope the pony
Rope the Pope
Rub the pink eraser
Saluting the general
Shake hands with the midget
Shake the sauce
Shake the sausage
Shake the snake
Shaking hands with Dr. Winky
Shine the helmet
Shine your pole
Shuck your corn
Slam the ham
Slam the Spam
Slap pappy
Smack the salami
Snap the monkey
Spank the bishop
Spank the monkey
Squeeze the cheese
Squeeze your cheese-dog
Stir the batter
Strain the main vein
Stroke the satin-headed serpent
Stroke your poker
Tame the shrew
Taunt the one-eyed weasel
Thump the pump
Toss the turkey
Twist your crank
Unloading the gun
Varnishing the banister
Whack the weasel
Whip the dummy
Whip the stiff
Whittle the stick
Wiggling your walrus
Wonk your conker
Wrestle the dragon
Wring out your rope
Wrist aerobics
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