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The Moron Guide |
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The Moron Guide |
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General Driving Rules
When there's traffic behind you, always drive 8-20 mph below the posted limit. When driving at a slower speed, stay in the outside lane. When travelling with pets, make sure they sit on your lap with half their body hanging out the window. If you own a pick-up truck, transport your ugliest family members on the back and make sure they stare at other drivers. Use the top of your car to transport cargo and make sure everything is loosely tied, if tied at all. When carrying large things on the roof of your car, drive with your right arm out the window and use your feeble little hand to keep the cargo from falling off. Whenever possible, children should sit on your lap. Whenever possible, cut up other drivers and slow down. You always have the right of way. Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road. Maintain flexi-time at work so that you can drive around leisurely when others are rushing to get to work on time. While travelling down residential streets, drive 2mph and look at all the houses and landscaping. In fact, look everywhere except out the front windscreen. Feel free to give other drivers the middle finger at will. If they do it back, wait until you get to the next red light, get out of your car and beat the living crap out of them. If you have a car phone, use it as much as possible and pay no attention to the road. If you have no one to call, hold the phone up to your ear and pretend. Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting roadside obstacles... like polystyrene cups and Twix wrappers. Make sure you have at least one of the following bumper stickers:
Keep your brake light blinking by keeping one foot on the brake pedal at all times. Never use your ashtray. Flick cigarettes out the window when you're done with them. Throw drink cans and food wrappers out the window when driving on highways. Your car stereo should be blasting music at approximately 900,000 dB. If you get lost while driving, the best place to stop and get your bearings is at a green light. If for some reason you have to pull over on the hard shoulder, wait until a car is approaching to pull back onto the road. Save time, read your newspaper and have breakfast while driving to work. When at a service station, pull up to the first available pump. This way people will have to wait until you're done before they get served. You should also pay with a credit card. If you approach a cyclist on the same side of the road, pass him by leaving only a half inch between him and your side-view mirror. Women are encouraged to put on their make-up while driving. Adjust your car seat so the drivers behind you only see the top of your head and a pair of knuckles on the steering wheel. If you own a yellow construction vehicle, drive it on major roads during rush hour traffic. Make sure you drive all types of slow or wide vehicles during peak traffic hours. When approaching a stop sign, accelerate without looking. If you see a vehicle getting in your lane directly behind you, hit your brake pedal. The closer the vehicle, the harder you should press. If your vehicle is capable of spinning its tyres on dry roads, take advantage of this. Make as much black smoke as possible. When driving in heavy bumper-to-bumper traffic, always drive with at least 10 car lengths in front of you. Steer your car towards any small animals or rodents running across the road. When drivers ahead of you pull over to let emergency vehicles pass, accelerate so they can't merge back into the traffic. When driving in a lane that's going to end because of construction, ignore all the "LANE CLOSED - MERGE AHEAD" signs. Then wait until the last second and cut off the other drivers who had the common sense to switch lanes earlier. The more expensive the car you drive, the more you have the right of way. If you need to stop to ask for directions, wait until there's a car behind you and stop in your lane to block traffic. When picking up a passenger during the early morning or late night, in a residential neighbourhood, stop in front of the house and honk the horn. When parking in a residential neighbourhood, always park in the street blocking someone else's driveway. When parking on a residential street without curbs, always make sure that you park partially on someone's lawn. Always change the radio station, tape, or CD while you're in the middle of changing lanes. If you're a driving school instructor, make as many appointments as possible during peak traffic times. Then inform your students to drive really slow and not to worry about the "crazy morons" on the road. Always save your nose picking for when you're behind the wheel. Drive until you're 130 years old, with no eye sight, hearing, reflexes, wit, or pulse. When passing a cyclist, do not under any circumstance cross the centre line, even if you're driving down a straight road with no oncoming vehicles in sight. Keep the drivers seat as far back as possible so you can barely reach the pedals. When approaching a cyclist or parked car in your lane, swerve carelessly into oncoming traffic to go around it. After you cut up a vehicle, give a "Thanks-for-letting-me-in" wave and nod to the other driver. When driving home with a pizza, drive with it on your lap. Never adjust your mirrors so you can see anything. Or adjust them so you can see your hair. When leaving a fast food drive-thru' restaurant, drive into traffic by steering with your knee, as you balance a large Coke between your legs and unwrap your hamburger to squeeze ketchup onto it. When approaching a curve in the road, slow down as if the road is ENDING. Always drive with your left arm behind the passenger seat. If you're supposed to wear glasses or contact lenses while driving, don't. Drive with enough boxes and packages in your car so they completely block the side and back windows. When driving round curves, always drive over the line and into the oncoming traffic lane. Signal only when you feel like it. If you feel you must use your indicators, make sure they blink only once, then turn them off. Signal only after you change lanes. When driving straight, make sure that at least one indicator is blinking at all times. Signal as you approach a curve in the road. If you intend to make a right turn, use the left signal. If you intend to make a left turn, use the right signal. When approaching an intersection, signal to turn and slow down. When other drivers or pedestrians cross in front of you, turn off the signal and go straight ahead. Always apply your brakes well before you signal. Wait until after you've started to turn or change lanes to use your indicators. If another driver succeeds in passing you, tailgate and flash your high beam the entire time you're behind him/her. When changing lanes, always change from an empty fast moving lane to a slow moving one with heavy congestion. If you can't find an opportunity to switch lanes, stop in your lane and wait for one. On one lane roads, pass other vehicles using the hard shoulder. When changing lanes, make sure you only leave 1-2 inches between you and the car behind you. When driving a large vehicle or truck and switching lanes, don't bother to look before you do it. If anyone's in the way, they'll move. When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and position your car diagonally to prevent others from passing. Always park on the lines, taking up as many spaces as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred. In a crowded car park, if you find a space and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both. As you pull into a space, if you see the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him. Always park close enough to the adjacent car so the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car. When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard. When driving through the car park, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at high speed. When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure you're stopped in the middle of the road. The same rule applies to picking-up passengers. If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him. Always leave your shopping trolley behind or tightly between parked vehicles. Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping centre car parks. If you don't see a speed limit sign in the shopping centre car park, there isn't any! When approaching speed bumps, either come to a complete stop first or drive over them at 90 mph. If the ground is slightly damp from a little rain, and traffic is generally moving at 65 mph, drive at 15 mph. When a major road is covered with a dangerous amount of snow, and traffic is generally moving at 15 mph, drive at 65 mph. The more slippery the road surface is, the more you should change lanes. Only use parking lights when driving in rain, sleet, snow, or fog. If all snow has been cleared, and plenty of salt and sand has been spread on the road, drive at 10 mph, even if traffic is generally moving at 55 mph. If the road is slippery due to ice, rain, or snow, intentionally cause your vehicle to swerve and make "S" type maneouvers. When approaching a large water puddle in the road, drive through it to cause a tidal wave to hit other cars and pedestrians. When driving in any type of bad weather, disregard all traffic lines painted on the road. If the road conditions are anything but dry, always tailgate. When driving during snow, don't clean the ice off the top of your car. Then, drive as fast as possible so that everything flies off your roof and hits other cars. When your car's covered with snow or ice, only clean off a little tiny section in front of the driver's seat so you won't have any idea of what's going on around you. Slam on your brakes to see how slippery the snow, rain, or ice is. Don't use your windscreen wipers in the pouring rain if you don't like the squeaking noise they make. Keep your windscreen wipers going long after the rain has stopped. When brushing the snow off your car, brush it onto the bumper so it blocks your headlights, indicators and brake lights. When driving on a sheet of ice, go as fast as possible because you have a 4x4 vehicle and it's equipped with anti-lock brakes. |
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